I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
