She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
