i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
