somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
