Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Randomize
