There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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