I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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