Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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