sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
