We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? šš
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
Randomize
