i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
