omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish I only lived at night.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
