I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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