Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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