Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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