She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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