so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
