12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
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Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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