Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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