I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
