I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
