I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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