remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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