Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
