When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
