My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
