sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
