Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
