1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
