I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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