You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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