Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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