I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
worst night to have a conscience
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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