I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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