Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
