I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
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MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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