I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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