What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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