break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
id be glad to
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
