i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
as a side note pls kill me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
