forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
