I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
