remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
