So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
