You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
