Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
my poor anus
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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