you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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