I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Acid is not a monday night drug
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
