i need an iv and a liver transplant
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
