Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Boobs speak an international language.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
