My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
