i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
