i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
