In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
