people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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