so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
