Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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