oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
