Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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